I’ve come to this place many times over the past few months hoping to write something quick and light hearted but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Light hearted just hasn’t been my reality these last few months and I want to remain open and honest with you.
So here we go… Honest truth? The past few months have been hard. And this mama is tired. Not new baby tired. But “emotionally wrecked and in despair of not knowing if and when things will ever get better so I’ve settled in to this dark space” sort of tired. Tired of being optimistic.
You see, I have two beautiful kids. The latter of the two has given me a run for my money ever since he was born four-ish months ago. And you know what? It’s not okay.
Women are emotional beings and throw that in with extra hormones for growing a human and everyone just brushes it off because you just had a baby. Or you are currently pregnant. But either way your emotional roller coaster isn’t as “valid” as someone struggling emotionally in a more traditional everyday sense. It’s foreign. It’s swept under the rug. This is such a time of joy and you should be grateful. Some women would give anything to be in your position. And so we don’t talk about it. But regardless of other people’s fertility status, this is where I am. This is my reality.
So today my friends I’d like to shed some light on this topic. Because it is far too common. And on top of having these feelings knowing that other women are over joyed and enjoying their little one also brings on feelings of guilt.
Think about it, women physically grow an entire human inside of them. All the hormones and emotions that one person needs all balled up in a bundle of joy called a baby and connected to a mom. Literally doubling the amount she had in her body. And then, they are gone. Cold turkey. I don’t know about you but that just sounds like a recipe for an emotional break down. and on top of that, not all babies coo and smile and sleep. Some babies cry and/or scream. All. The. Time.
For all those mamas that escaped those early days with out a mental or emotional breakdown. You are superwoman.
To all those that endure the trials of a “fussy” baby, you are more than mother Theresa to me.
For the record, and I don’t really think it needs to be said but I will anyway, I love my son. He is so wonderful and when I look at him I get all the warm fuzzy feelings. And I hardly remember life before he came along and he is my world. But sometimes,
holding him makes my skin crawl.
Sometimes when he screams in my ear I want to squeeze him as hard as I can.
Sometimes he refuses to go to sleep even when I KNOW he’s tired and I want to shake him.
Sometimes he won’t burp after eating and five minutes later he turns his head and pukes down my shirt right between my boobs and I want to throw him.
(Because of the Internet world let me clarify that I would absolutely never ever act on these feelings.)
But should I even admit having them? A lot of people would definitely say no because who in their right mind wants to admit that?!? And also, I think it brings on a fear in every mom that someone would come and take her kids for such terrible thoughts. The amount of shame I feel for even typing it is almost to great to bare. And some day I will read this again and I will loathe the woman who would think such terrible things. But you know what? I’m not alone.
Whether pregnant or post Partum the hormones are real. The fatigue is real. And we need to have a conversation about it. And not a conversation after we are out of the woods and want to inspire others by looking back at our experience. But a conversation that is real, raw, and in the trenches of emotional health issues.
Are my terrible feelings ok and justified because of hormones? No! I am currently bat shit crazy! And it’s not okay. But it’s where I am at and I know that it is only a season. I will find myself again. I will someday love my son with such a fiery passion. But today, today I am tired and if he cries one more time I might lose it. So it’s hard to love him that hard. I don’t have the strength. I want to. But it isn’t physically, emotionally, or mentally in me.
And it’s not okay. It’s not normal. The majority of moms don’t have these problems. But there are others. And we can stand together and support one another and cling to the grace God gives us that we completely don’t deserve.
And we can take a breath because someday we will be better women. Better mothers. Someday there will be a passion and a love so intense no one can ever compare to it.
I hope this relates to just one mama out there. And I hope she finds comfort knowing that she is not alone. Because someday we will look back on this dark time. And we will want to talk about it and reflect. But I want to talk about it with you while you are hanging on by a thread. While I am gasping for air. Because that is the time that we need the conversations the most. If you need me to throw you a stronger rope reach out. I am here for you. And you are not alone.
We are gonna make it.
I have absolutely no idea when. But we will. Just hang in there. I’m here for you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are so precious. You are such a good mom. You are not alone. You are strong. You are freaking amazing. And as uncomforting as it seems at the time, it is all worth it in the end.